It never rains but pours. An entire day of non-stop rain. It made me wonder how is it possible that we are not self-sufficient in water. If our water supply was cut off from the north, I wonder how long our supplies would last. If you stood by a reservoir would you actually be able to see the water level going down, draining away? I think that would be a rather alarming sight.

Anyway, I went out despite the rain. Had lunch with Quek, walked around, chit chatted. It was nice to be able to relax after three days of relentless writing. But as always, to break for too long is to invite the inertia of slacking to set in, something that must not happen now.

I've been having nagging doubts about all my papers so far. It's the little things that creep in. Maybe I wrote out of point? I didn't cover enough ground? Did I approach the question correctly? So, I've been trying to block all these irritating thoughts out. What's done is done, so be it. Right now I'll just focus on doing my best for whatever's left. And whatever's left is a lot...

Prelims, Day 3

At last, the first half is over. Well, it feels like the first half but in actual fact it's not, cos the heavier papers are after the holidays, which, once again, should not be called "holidays". Anyway, Econs was ok I think, but I've been wrong before, so I'll wait and see.

Discussing papers after the exams feels to me like the student's version of war stories. You know, the image of a bunch of old soldiers gathering around a fire or something to discuss old times, or maybe campers huddling to hear ghost stories at night? Well, exam stories are pretty much the same. All traumatizing experiences more or less.

Oh yes, today I got my adjudication certificate, so now I am a certified debate adjudicator (DA). Hahaha. I hope I get invited to judge again. It's quite fun, IF you're judging the right teams that is...

I realised that despite my praises of the arts and literature so often, my blog has no poetry. So, to add a lyrical feel to my post I shall put a poem here. And I'll put one of the poems from the comparative poetry section, since it's in Olde English and therefore feels more poetic. (I'm a sucker for Olde English, that's why I did that section. It's also one of the reasons why I use the King James translation of the Bible haha)

To my inconstant mistress

When thou, poor excommunicate
From all the joys of love, shalt see
The full reward and glorious fate
Which my strong faith shall purchase me,
Then curse thine own inconstancy.

A fairer hand than thine shall cure
That heart, which thy false oaths did wound;
And to my soul a soul more pure
Than thine shall by Love's hand be bound,
And both with equal glory crown'd.

Then shalt thou weep, entreat, complain
To Love, as I did once to thee;
When all thy tears shall be as vain
As mine were then, for thou shalt be
Damned for thy false apostasy.


Ahh, beautiful isn't it? I wish I had more time to do a more complete and dense appreciation of it, but oh well, an exam's an exam, and we have to make do. Ok, I shall go laze off now haha. I'll probably resume studying tomorrow. All the best to everyone taking prelims! God bless!

The Prelims, Day 2

After a tremendous effort, for truly it was tremendous, I got through SEA History today. Few science people will ever understand, I think, the rush of writing four essays (full fledged, not some 10 mark question) in three hours at one shot. Even GP allows for a toilet break in between. What an experience. So as of now, we have completed half of history, one third of literature, and all of GP.

Writing history essays is like a race against the clock. It's like some who-writes-fastest-wins kind of competition. Forget about checking your work. That's so secondary school. Here you want to finish your work. And of course, since this is the A levels, there is no need to check as you're expected to know your stuff, so everything that goes down the first time must be pitch perfect, so to speak. I thank God that I actually managed to finish today's paper in time. AND, write beyond three pages, at least for most of them. By the last essay I was flagging, and in any case I'd overshot on the sbq.

Now I shall have lunch, then relax for a while, before going off to revise econs. Tomorrow will be another day of writing. Three essays, two and a half hours. He who writes fastest wins! sigh...

Mr Smith just sent me an email saying we were ranked fifth after this year's debating championships. When I say "we", I mean the juniors. For some reason, after this year I'm quite reluctant to associate myself too closely with the society's current members. I'm a bit of an elitist I guess.

Fifth. That's quite surprising to me actually, because it means the school is back at its usual status in the debating world. For years now we've constantly been ranked fifth. Only last year did we manage to break into the top four, after a five-year drought. I think all the ruckus surrounding the dismal state of the team made me think they were much worse off than they are. If I look at it relatively speaking, however, then it seems fine, cos the rankings reflect a recurrent trend.

Of course, we all know that just because the ratings stay the same doesn't mean the quality's been maintained. The ranking is in fact, nominal, you might say, while in terms of real ranking the quality has gone down tremendously. It's a nationwide trend I guess. It merely confirms what I've suspected all along, that Singapore is in for a hard time next year at the world championships. It's really puzzling. Maybe in years to come 2006 will be labelled "The Lost Generation" for national debating. Unless, of course, this year's batch is merely the tip of the iceberg, in which case we're all in for a really bumpy ride.

Pissed off

I'm writing this as a warning to all and as a way of letting off steam.

This morning someone messaged me to ask how many people were in school today, and how I felt about this. Now, for the sake of public knowledge, I'm going to answer this here. Only two people from the class were here today, me and Jeremy. The reason I'm putting this here is because I don't want anyone asking me this tomorrow, because I'm going to get pissed off. I don't care that that person told me not to get agitated. The fact is, I AM agitated now, and it's preventing me from studying.

Let me make this clear: I'm FINE if people don't come to school. I don't want to come either. BUT, if you don't come, good, then just leave it at that. Don't come back the next day and ask me who was here and so on. It makes me very agitated, because to me, it smacks of gloating. I don't care who the hell you are, but if anyone asks me tomorrow about what happened today, I'm going to get very angry. If I want to talk about today to you, I'll initiate the conversation. I will not tolerate questions.

As a side note, Jeremy is open to questions. So go to him if you want to find out anything. I'm afraid I'm far more edgy than him, but that's the way I am. It's half a week to the prelims and I'm very high strung now, so I'm not going to tolerate nonsense.

And now that that's done, I can go study.

I typed out a rather angry post just now but I decided not to post it. Some things are better left unsaid. All I needed was some place to release my frustration. I wish it were all gone. I wish the exams were here and gone. I wish, I wish I was sitting in some cafe having hot chocolate, chatting with an old friend, just chilling and hanging out, without a care in the world. For the sake of my sanity I think I'll do just that soon. Maybe I should have done it today.

It's nice to be invited to judge. I signed up for the DA today. I see it as a way of keeping in touch with the circle. And, it's a rather prestigious and relaxing/stressful pastime. Who knows, one day I might be president, haha.

Sometimes, now actually, I wish I didn't have to justify each and every one of my actions.

The Age of Rebellion

I am tired, so drained by school. Today I felt so tired like never before, and after dinner just now this wave of exhaustion just overcame me, lulling me to sleep. Only a phonecall broke my dreams and brought me back to this harsh reality that there is still work to be done, and that it is far from over, and that I must still face that same cycle of anger and impatience.

It has progressed so far I can hardly spend an evening where the anger does not break forth from some slight irritation, even a questioning of the actions. You are stuck in that age of rebellion, where the world seems yours by right, and woe to them that stand in your path. Each day I pray for renewed patience, and for the light to clear the scales from your eyes that sometimes see, but all too often shut themselves in self-righteous indignation. All too often I find myself wondering how that person or this could pass Sunday after Sunday not realising anything, when I realise that such self-delusion begins here, with me, with you. I try not to judge, but each time I end up passing verdict, because I cannot but help.

I want to spend just one day at home, free from the calls of school upon my life, resting, and then studying at leisure. This week started out fine, but as it progressed I realised the competing pressures of school and revision are beginning to overwhelm the latter. I fall short of my goals because of this tiredness that sends me to sleep, yet I am forced back to school again and again, which will tire me further. I understand now why so many people just stay at home and study. The days are increasingly useless. But I will never get anywhere with parents for whom skipping school does not exist in their vocabulary. And I suppose that after all, there must be people out there who attend school without fail and still do well. Let's all hope towards the latter.

I asked Larissa to do that 7 question quiz that's been going around on blogs recently, so here it is:
Joel :
1) Joel can't scare with his stares! haha.
2) Prove to me that you aren't gay by getting attached =p
3) Red, cos you are vibrant and metrosexual i suppose.
4) The fact that you can make watching a debate entertaining. We never fail to beam when you go up.
5) First and clearest: The guy we thought was really gayy at the first debate auditions ( i'm sorry =p)
6) A elephant. Very sombre i suppose, both of you.
7) Are you sure nothing's going on between you and .... you know who i'm talking about right?

As you can see, my sexual orientation seems to be in question. But for the last time, I am NOT gay, larissa... And, if you think that there's something going on between me and you know who, then wouldn't that mean I'm straight? Oh, there's still the bi-sexual argument I guess... And in any case, the answer to the last question is NO.

I'm sleepy... Think I'll nap, then do work. Today was a really boring day...

Dilemmas

There is a crisis looming. For the sake of the greater good, I seem compelled to go down a course with no return, whose outcome it is impossible to predict, and the odds are that it will not be good. Even if the desired result is achieved, relations will be soured. And if the outcome is not achieved, relations will be soured anyway. But it seems that it must be done, for the sake of the future of this school's debating career.

But maybe there's hope? Maybe this year was just a fluke and we'll get a better crop next year? Maybe he'll do better with a bunch of intelligent people? After all, we didn't turn out that bad.

Ah well. Bad time to be bogged down with such things. They require a lot of care, effort and sensitivity. Politics. And to think I thought that I could perhaps end my two years here care-free, after having the greater part of the time plagued with it. It's all your fault owen, you reminded me...


Anyway, I think today was a productive day, apart from the little diversion in the afternoon, which was pleasant nonetheless. I finished the Middle East test, did Quoyle, which is so much easier than the bloody Tree of Man, and did an Econs test too. I think my revision engine is starting up nicely. Let's hope it doesn't run out of steam too soon.

A most sobering truth

I went to get out my BT1 progress report and compared it to my BT2 one. Apart from GP, all my grades have stayed exactly the same, including the marks themselves. The troubling thing is that while everything's the same, my strength relative to the cohort has gone down. In every subject my percentile is down, some rather substantially. It confirms only something I already knew since the results came back. Stagnation. It is that most insidious of perils. While I'm doing just enough to stay just there, everyone else is forging ahead. I suppose such little reminders are neccessary to keep me motivated. Ah well...

In other news, something happened today that made me feel rather uneasy about myself. I wonder if this society we live in makes us less human as the days go by. I realise that I'm a terrible comforter. I can listen, offer a few words of advice if they're appropriate, but in most situations I simply don't know what to do. I dislike giving cliches, and when I do offer advice it must happen in a calm rational atmosphere where the person in question is calm too, not in hysterics or tears. I absolutely have no idea what to do about tears. I think I'm too rational at times. It's not necessarily a good thing. I mean that I need to operate analytically/logically. Which explains why I'm not very good at handling emotional situations. They are never very rational, and they usually throw me off balance. Hmm, guess I need to get...more in touch with my emotions? urgh, that sounded a bit, um, gay. But there, it's a choice between humanity or robotics.

I also just realised how fortunate I am to be able to witness fireworks from the comfort of my home. I guess year after year of the same thing kind of wears off the thrill. I begin to take things for granted. But, it is still a sight, and this year I've had the pleasure of watching the whole Fireworks Festival without leaving home. One of the reasons why my father calls this his mansion in the sky, haha.

Meandering

Last night I went to the Esplanade again for the band concert this time round. Apart from the mistakes made here and there it was quite good, but I wouldn't say fantastic, because in a concert band performance a short out of place squeak has the effect of jarring me out of the experience for a while. Still, I've always liked it whenever the band plays. I loved the way the school song sounded yesterday. And, I think I like the theatre better than the concert hall. More cosy, classy and glamerous haha. the concert hall has a green decor for goodness' sake...

I have something to say about meandering. It happens whenever I'm in a group of people trying to get from point A to point B. For some reason, I always feel like I'm the only one with a sense of purpose and direction about me in such situations. The rest just mill about talking.

"So, are we going?"

"Hmm, yeah."

chit chat, chit chat, mill around, yak some more.

"Eh, can we move?"

"Yeah sure, sure. We're going."

mill, chit chat, look around aimlessly.

It is a most irritating experience. Thank God for people like Benita. It's nice to know there are people out there who feel the same way.

Ah well, I suppose at the end of the day some people will tell me I'm too much in a hurry. Perhaps, and also perhaps not.

Thanks for all the writing advice everyone :) Let's just see how things work out...

Anyway, I'm still feeling rather drowsy. I slept past 12 last night because of Rapture, which is waaay past my bedtime. So now I don't really feel like doing anything strenuous, which I hope will change soon because I want to get started on my work.

But let me comment on Rapture. Firstly I thought the theatre was fabulous. The gold and red interior looked like classical European concert hall. Then the dances were fantastic. I can't say which was my favourite, because they were all really quite nice, and they came one after another so I didn't have time to think which was better. I really liked the Singaporean one though, if only for sheer comic value. If I ever thought Musa had some shred of manliness/straightness still, it's all gone now. Last night he proved that he was utterly gay. In a good way though. At least it makes for laughs. In any case I think he's a really good dancer. His own dance was quite nice.

Ok, I'm going off now. My bed looks especially comfy suddenly...

In the midst of an intense philosophical debate over the definition of luck with Benita I turned and asked, "What's your definition of luck, Vicks?"

"Something I lack," was her reply, eyes downward, the corners of her mouth already curling upwards as laughter burst forth.

These, and many equally brainless moments, marked our time on the balcony.


In other news, I just checked out Boey Kim Cheng's new series of poems, and I hereby declare that he finally seems to have found some direction in life. At least he's poems don't sound half as angsty anymore. Rather placid in fact. I prefer the older style.

It is very frustrating for me to study so much and then be let down by the speed at which I write. The stupidity of the situation stems from the fact that I'm being constrained by a factor not easily changed. If I was being let down by a lack of content, that can be easily amended. But now, three and a half weeks to go to the prelims, can I successfully alter my writing speed? After living and writing this way for 18 years, I am now faced with the extremely real possibility that even though I may have studied my hardest and smartest and worked as much as I can, come November I might cut off from my desired grades simply because I cannot write fast enough. This is a possibility that annoys me to no end.

Others study and practice writing for essay skills. I practice writing for penmenship skills. And it is simply not easy to change my writing speed, because that involves changing my handwriting, and many people, save for a lifechanging event involving their limbs, hardly ever change their handwriting. It stays the same! Can I be expected to speed up in three weeks? And even if I am expected to (I am, actually, considering all things), can I actually accomplish it? I cannot and will not believe something this banal will actually hinder me. People don't write as much as they should because they may not know what to say. I don't write as much as I should because I can't (this is for those occassions on which I do know what to write of course).

And it is with these very frustrating thoughts that I left my IH test, thoughts that superceded ones that others would no doubt consider more important, thoughts like "Was I right? What was the correct answer?" I consider these thoughts more important too. But this afternoon, the sheer inanity of my situation blocked out all others for a while.